As someone with extremely low self-confidence and lacking social skills, I felt it was my duty to share a few tips on how to further alienate yourself from society. I like to stay at home most of the time, and when someone invites me over lunch or dinner, I make sure that I never go. I always have excuses ready as to why I could not come. Thanks to never-ending rains, this job has been made easier.
But the problem arises when they want to come over. How do you avoid that? If they inform in advance, You can still whip up some excuse, but there are people shameless enough who don’t mind inviting themselves over. How does one deal with this? Here are a few tips to make sure you never have guests over
1. Don’t buy a couch
A couch is an invitation. Sit on me for hours. Just buy a single bed. No one is comfortable sitting on a single bed for long. They are bound to get up. There is nothing to support your back on a single bed. Guests should not feel like they can sit and chat comfortably slouching on your couch. No couch also means no coffee table.
2. Don’t serve snacks
The biggest reason one stays over for long is the Chai nashta tradition. Don’t make that mistake. If you take pity on them, make green tea or give milk, water and sugar infused with tea bags. People like coffee and tea, but you have to show your culinary skills. Make it bad enough that don’t ask for another cup. Another cup adds 15-20 minutes to their stay. Do whatever it takes but don’t serve them snacks. Best would be that you don’t keep any snacks in your kitchen.
3. Don’t let them in your kitchen
Who wants that? A stranger disguised as a friend in your kitchen! Because if they know your tea and coffee sucks they will offer to make it, and that’s bad. Who knows if they put the tea on low flame. These are just tactics you need to watch out for.
4. Don’t play or talk to their kids
This is the worst thing you can do. Next thing you know is that they will ask you to watch their kids while they go Zumba dancing on Coca Cola tu. And as bad as this sounds what’s worse is that they will spend additional time in your living room while dropping and picking their kids up. Maintain a poker face while dealing with kids, there is no need to be their favorite aunt uncle or didi bhaiya. Do not fall for their cute face or the poem or dance that amuses everyone.
5. Don’t hang a TV on the wall
Kids suddenly reminded me of the horror that is Doraemon and Shin-chan. If you have a TV, kids will stay. Their parents might stay too. I have had several cases of missed episodes of Rishta kya kahlata hai and lengthy India Pakistan debates showing Arnab yell on Pakistani panelists. I always wondered why on earth they came all the way over to my house to watch TV. They could have easily stayed home and left me alone.
6. Switch off your doorbell and cellphone during festivals and other holidays:
Clingy guests always check up on you by calling on your phone. Later on, you still have an excuse that the bell wasn’t working and coincidentally your phone died too. Poor you 🙁
These wonderful tips are enough to keep your house guest free. Just be strong and never feel ashamed of the fact that you are a bad host. Take pride in this quality. We are a rare breed.